


tanks a lot

by xfrinz



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Humor, Jason Todd is Robin, Kid Jason Todd, Mischief, POV Jim Gordon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 15:01:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29048073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xfrinz/pseuds/xfrinz
Summary: Some two-bit villain attempts to invade Gotham. With tanks.This isn't about that. This is about the immediate aftermath.
Relationships: Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne
Comments: 9
Kudos: 106





	tanks a lot

“Robin,” said Batman, sounding remarkably patient for a man who just fought off an army, quite literally, “ _get out of the tank._ ”

Robin, who was a good foot shorter than he had been the last time Jim Gordon had seen him, popped out of the tank. He was still remarkably peppy for it being close to three in the morning and being about ten, at Jim’s rough guesstimation.

“No,” said Robin.

“Get out of the tank, Robin!”

“You’re not my dad.”

“I _am_ your dad, now get out of the-”

“I am _literally_ in a tank and you’re not,” Robin declared, which was a sound argument. Robin had managed to find the one tank (out of fifteen) that hadn’t been at least a little bit destroyed in the past eighteen hours. He had immediately claimed the tank for himself, and had been arguing with Batman about it in a manic, gleeful way for the past twenty minutes.

“Literally get out of the tank.”

“You’re not my dad! I’m in a tank and you’re not!”

“I am your dad, now get out of the tank! I-”

“No!” Robin ducked down into the tank.

Batman cursed and started massaging his temples over his cowl.

“Tough having a kid with you at work, huh,” Jim said. He took a sip of his black coffee, which was probably bad for his ulcer, but there was no way he trusted anyone else to file all the paperwork they had to do for this. He also felt no sympathy for Batman, who had shouted down several of Jim’s favorite officers over the course of the fighting.

“Hn,” said Batman. “You don’t have any sons.”

Maybe that was a question? Jim didn’t really talk home life with Batman, but he’d chatted about Barbara a bit, back when Batgirl was a bigger player.

“Nope,” Jim said, anyway. “Just Barbara. She never stole a tank, though.”

“He didn’t _steal_ anything,” Batman said.

Robin popped back up out of the tank and slapped an R-shaped sticker on the side of the turret.

“He’s sure trying,” Jim said.

“Robin,” Batman growled, “ _you are not keeping the tank._ ”

“Why nooooooooot? _You_ have a tank!”

“I do not,” Bruce said. “Get out of the tank.”

“Batmobile counts as a tank,” Robin pointed out. “Right, Comish?”

Only street kids called Jim ‘Comish’, and that was born out of some vague appreciation for him not being a corrupt pedophile. Jim added another little tally mark to his ‘not as much of an idiot as Batman thinks’ board in his mind.

“I’m staying out of this, kid,” Jim said. But yeah, the Batmobile was a veritable tank. Everybody who had to drive in Gotham hated the damn thing, mostly because Batman didn’t seem to know how to drive.

On the other hand, more than half of Gotham stayed off the streets as often as possible. Safer that way. And it wasn’t like the Batmobile was a problem _all_ the time, and it wasn’t like it’d caused any casualties yet.

“Get out of the tank or I’m calling the National Guard.”

Yeah, right. The National Guard had left Gotham six hours back, and probably wouldn’t be coming back any time soon- Gotham was worse than New York or Chicago in terms of crime, and had a whole bunch of crazies, to boot. Most of the National Guard folks couldn't really handle Gotham.

“Call them, see if I give a fuck! I’m in a tank!”

“Language,” Batman and Jim said, in unison. It was more of a reflex for Jim- if a kid was old enough to fight an army, he was old enough to drop the F-bomb. Batman, though, had always disapproved of swearing- even by grown men.

“You can’t tell me what to do. I’m in a _tank_.”

“ _Get out of the tank._ ”

Robin just stuck out his tongue. “Make me.”

That was fair. It wasn’t like there was anything _stopping_ Batman from getting Robin out of the tank- it was just sitting out in the middle of Detroit Avenue, causing problems. Maybe he was worried it was trapped? But if that was the case, he wouldn’t let Robin play around with it. Would he?

“Robin,” Batman said, now pinching the bridge of his nose over the cowl, “ _please._ Get out of the tank. It’s been a long day.”

“I want to keep it,” Robin said. He turned to look at Jim. “Comish, you don’t need this one, right? You got loads of others to mess around with.”

They definitely didn’t _need_ the one functioning tank left, but it’d make pretty much everyone feel better if a government agency had it.

Or, it should, but this was Gotham.

“You are not keeping the tank!”

“But I named it!”

Batman made the expression that Barbara always called Jim’s “exasperated dad” face. “You named it.”

“Yup. Sparky. So now we have an emotional bond.”

Jim was trying very hard not to laugh. If Barbara was the one in a tank, and _he_ was the one trying to get her out of it, he wouldn’t appreciate people laughing. Especially not Batman.

But the kid was pretty funny.

“No.”

“But I love him.”

“ _No._ If you don’t get out of the tank right now, I’ll-” Batman paused, and glanced over at Jim.

Jim mimed zipping his lips, and then held up his fingers in a scout’s honor.

“If you don’t get out of that tank _this instant_ , young man, I’m taking away library privileges.”

Huh. Jim would’ve guessed video games, or TV, or maybe just screens in general before _library privileges._ Shouldn’t parents encourage their kids to read?

“You wouldn’t dare,” said Robin. “Agent A won’t let you.”

“He will if he hears about how you held us up because you wanted a tank. Now get out of the tank.”

Robin paused, seemingly considering Batman’s offer. “If I keep the tank,” he said, slowly, “you couldn’t _stop_ me from having library privileges.”

“Robin, get out of the damn tank.”

Jim blinked. That was the first time he’d heard Batman swear since over a year ago, when there was that serial killer hanging around Chelsea Hill. And over a ten-year-old, too.

Apparently, Robin came to the same conclusion that Batman’s patience was running out. He popped out of the tank like a firecracker and zipped over to Batman’s side, grabbing his hand the way all children did to make sure their parent wasn’t angry with them.

Batman sighed- Jim would’ve said that it was out of relief, if it was anyone besides Batman- and turned his head to face Jim.

“Commissioner,” he said. “City should be quiet the next few days. Use the signal if something urgent comes up with the detritus.”

Jim saluted with his coffee. “I’m sure we can handle it. If we can’t, I’ll call.” He looked down at Robin. “Young man, grand theft auto is a serious offense.”

Robin snickered. “Yessir, Comish. I’ll keep that in mind next time I have the opportunity for a free tank.”

Batman sighed again, before turning and walking away.

Jim would have to savor that. Usually, Batman vanished while Jim was mid-sentence, the bastard.

**Author's Note:**

> [ROBIN, GET OUT OF THE TANK](https://youtu.be/VDzAyiRyOMo)


End file.
